Welcome to Big Time Small-Time Dicks, a regular column on The Slot that explores local politicians, small-town scandals, and everything else making life miserable on a local level. Know a small time person who is a big time dick we should feature? Email us. This week: BTSTD, Foreign Edition.

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Be it resolved: sex is great. Sexting can be great. Sliding into someone’s DMs with a sexy intent is... often fine, or has the potential to turn out that way. But something has gone dangerously haywire with the judgment of this world’s middle-aged male politicians, who can’t seem to stop sexting very young women, leaving a horny and disquieting paper trail that we inevitably come to read about.

Today’s case in point and tester of our upchuck reflex is British Labour MP Simon Danczuk, who’s been suspended over allegations that he sexted a 17-year-old girl. Tabloid The Sun was first to report that Danczuk started sending sexually explicit messages to the 17-year-old, who contacted him about a job in his office.

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The two evidently exchanged messages for nearly a month before Danczuk asked how old the girl was. Let us point out for you exactly the moment where Danczuk should’ve stopped:

Danczuk: Do you mind if I ask how old you are?! Glad you’re keeping well. Best wishes.

[17-year-old]: Sure, I’m 17.

Danczuk: Good for you!

Instead, according to what the girl told the tabloid, Danczuk sent her a message commenting that she looked “great” after she posted a photo in a new dress on Instagram. And from there, it devolved in about the way you’d expect:

On September 19, days before the Labour Party conference, Danczuk told Sophena they should “meet up.”

Asked if he was serious, he replied: “I’m always serious! I rarely do non-serious! Let’s meet up when you’re ready.”

The next day he asked her for a picture and she sent him one of her wearing a revealing white body suit.

Danczuk said: “Why aren’t you here in Spain wearing that costume?! Lol.”

When the teenager joked it would “look better on your bedroom floor”, he replied: “God help me.”

Some of the messages also indicate that Dunczak was “horny” and inquired as to whether the girl wanted “a spanking.”

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The age of consent in Britain is 16, and police have determined no crime was committed. Per the Guardian, however, Danczuk has been suspended from his post pending an investigation by the Labour Party:

A Labour party spokesperson said: “The general secretary of the Labour party has today suspended Simon Danczuk’s membership of the party, pending an investigation into allegations published in the media today.

“A full investigation will now take place under the authority of the national executive committee, which will be responsible for determining any further action.”

Danczuk made his name campaigning against child sexual abuse; he exposed his predecessor, Cyril Smith, as a pedophile. Smith, who died in 2010, sexually abused underage boys for nearly four decades. However, an inquiry into some of Smith’s alleged behavior, including Danczuk’s claim that he was once arrested with child pornography images, was closed in July due to a lack of first-hand evidence.

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Danczuk said in July that he suffered from depression and PTSD after the Smith incident, leading him to seek treatment for alcohol abuse:

On Twitter, Danczuk apologized for his behavior, while claiming the Sun story isn’t “entirely accurate:”

Danczuk was dating a Labour Councillor named Claire Hamilton, who has reportedly dumped him due to his Twitter activities. She’s engaging in some first-rate and very understandable sub-tweeting:


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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Simon Danczuk. Screengrab via YouTube/Channel 4, Big Time Small-Time Dicks logo by staff male Bobby Finger.