On Monday evening, bloviating sexual assailant Bill O’Reilly returned to the public for the first time since his ejection from Fox News. On a free edition of No Spin News—generally reserved for premium members of his website—he performed martyrdom with demure pomposity. And the show, by the way, was extremely boring.
“Hey, I missed you guys,” O’Reilly greeted his listeners. He then addressed the looming fact of his dismissal, but only in the most cryptic way.
“I am sad that I’m not on television anymore,” he admitted, surprising absolutely no one. “I was very surprised by how it all turned out. I can’t say a lot, because there’s so much stuff going on right now.”
However, O’Reilly did insinuate that he was wrongly accused and that he will be vindicated by the eventual illumination of truth.
“But I can tell you that I’m very confident the truth will come out, and when it does, I don’t know if you’re going to be surprised—but I think you’re going to be shaken, as I am. There’s a lot of stuff involved here,” he assured his disciples.
While vacationing in Italy, NBC News reports, the former Fox News icon issued a statement, declaring it was “extremely disheartening that we part ways due to completely unfounded claims.” Fox News, hardly a paragon of social conscientiousness, ousted their poster boy after advertisers—unwilling to be seen as complicit—pulled their commercials from The O’Reilly Factor.
Before launching into the main segment of his program, O’Reilly explained that he must be circumspect, lest the demonic media contort his words.
“Now, I can’t say anymore because I just don’t want to influence the flow of information,” he said. “I don’t want the media to take what I say and misconstrue it.”
Having concluded this tap dance, O’Reilly supplied his listeners with commentary on recent news. He defended Donald Trump in the face of low approval ratings, again identifying the media as the alpha and omega of political unrest.
“No president has ever entered office with as much negative publicity and hatred directed toward him as Donald Trump in the history of our republic,” he intoned. “No president has come under that kind of withering criticism particularly by the press that wanted Hillary Clinton to win.”
Indeed, O’Reilly makes no bones about the press’s so-called motivation. “They want to destroy Trump’s presidency,” he announced.
He also invoked the name of “our pal Ann Coulter” who, he explained, was courageous enough to accept a speaking engagement at “UC Berkeley, a place I would never in a million years go.” He noted that “the snowflakes” on campus had rescinded her invitation, though the campus Republicans are protesting this decision.
But O’Reilly, frankly, is pretty worried about dear old Ann—and his other fellow conservatives—being left to the mercy of snowflakes.
His voice laden with condescension, O’Reilly remarked, “These people on the far left are really insane and dangerous.”
As his last piece of news, O’Reilly indulged in the warm familiarity of Obama mockery. Merely noting that our former, refreshingly articulate president had returned to the public eye, O’Reilly leaned on reliable material: Barack Obama only discusses—and does so very well—but never acts. In fact, the commentator predicted that Obama would become president of the United Nations precisely because they do nothing but “discuss.” Quite the smackdown, Bill. I hope it made you feel better (just kidding, I in fact wish you nothing but misery).
The conclusion of the program, purportedly reserved for reading and responding to listeners’ messages, dissolved into a desperate howl of self-promotion. Become a premium member of Bill’s website! Buy his books! Purchase a ticket for his speaking tour (but my oh my, venues keep selling out)! Please save me, a racist misogynistic cretin, from withering away in the gaping maw of irrelevance!