Guys...I think I’m in love!

I don’t know! It happened so quickly! Like, one minute I was a libtard bra-burning commie bitch, and the next I was cured! And my savior? You guessed it: Donald Trump.

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Monday night, he was giving a speech in Michigan, and was just talking about presidential stuff. Like when Hillary Clinton had to pee during the debate, and, I guess I’m dumb, but I thought it was just normal to pee? But Trump said, “Its too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting.” So that made me think, hm, maybe it is gross that I pee.

Then he said that Clinton would never be president because she couldn’t even win the primary in 2008. “She was favored to win, and she got schlonged,” Trump said. I’m sure he didn’t know this, but because “schlong” is slang for “big dick” it sounds like he was saying she was like, raped or something. And that made me think that it just sucks that women can’t achieve great heights because they keep getting raped. But I’m happy Trump pointed out the problem at least.

Anyway, I was already feeling terrible, because Trump had made it seem so, so bad to be a woman. And, like, yeah! I knew it was bad before he told me but he kept rubbing it in, like he knew it was bad and wanted to make me feel worse.

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But then! It was as if he saw me crying in a heap on my kitchen floor and stroked my face and said, “Get up, you’re being disgusting.”

“I hate some of these people,” he said about journalists, noting that Vladimir Putin has resorted to killing people who write unfriendly things about him, “but I would never kill them.”

I mean... did you hear that? He’d never kill us. :) I’m blushing!

“I would never kill them. I would never kill them... Uhh, let’s see,” he continued, sarcastically thinking whether or not he was telling the truth. “I would never kill them, but I do hate them. And some of them are such lying disgusting people.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go yank one off quickly.


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.