People say they hate it when Mom and Dad fight, but we love it a lot, particularly when mom is peppy Dementor Ann Coulter and dad is enraged football coach pounding the steering wheel and screaming after 20 losing games in a row Sean Hannity. They’re fighting about Marco Rubio, and it’s all so embarrassing, and I just want to make it into a milkshake and drink it forever.

As best we can figure, Coulter and Hannity are having a sprawling, bitter, delightfully embarrassing Twitter spat about Marco Rubio and border security. More broadly, it’s about whether Fox News is stooging for Rubio, whether they adequately support the concept of making undocumented people miserable, and whether Hannity is a miserable hypocrite.

As best we can tell, the shoutin’ began here:

The “amnesty” she’s referring to is 2013's so-called Gang of Eight bill, a bipartisan effort Rubio was part of that would’ve created a path to citizenship. It failed, obviously, because we can’t get stuff like that done around here, but prior to that, Rubio appeared on Hannity’s program to argue his case before Fox’s audience of racist Crypt Keepers. Hannity was skeptical, but did indeed call it the “most thoughtful” bill he’d seen.

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Coulter, meanwhile, is a noted Trump fan; she was particularly taken with that time he said Mexican immigrants are rapists. So it’s not surprising she wrote a statement to house organ Breitbart calling Rubio “[John] McCain is [sic] sheep’s clothing,” which I guess is real bad. She’s accusing Hannity of supporting Rubio’s bill, and, by extension, illegal immigrants, a group of whom literally live under Ann’s bed and pop out periodically to scream insults about her life choices.

Anyway, Hannity will not have someone accusing him of liking a piece of legislation that is even remotely not-racist:

“That would be me,” he wailed.

There are lots of things to love here: the way Hannity tweets like your mom texts, all 8th-grade style abbreviations! His inability to use commas or apostrophes correctly! The fact that they keep quoting each other’s tweets instead of replying directly, for some reason!

“Love you!” she tweeted, already planning how to shank him with the sharpened leg of a pair of Make America Great Again sunglasses when they run into each other in the halls at CPAC.

Also, wait, what the fuck does this mean:

What dinner? Who’s got an ax? Oh my god, why would anybody give Sean Hannity an ax?

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Ah OK, so the dinner, per the New York Times, was between Rupert Murdoch, Roger Ailes, Rubio and New York Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer, with Rubio and Schumer trying to persuade the Fox dudes not to sink the legislation via the magic of their shouting army of outraged blonde ladies. And that dinner made Ann Coulter feel like her mother was attacking her? With an ax? (The NYT story also claims that following the dinner, “Fox anchors Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly became more supportive.”)

Anyway, lots of arcane personal history here, lots of increasingly bitter passive-aggressive jabs on both sides:

This has been going on for a generous 24 hours now, it shows no signs of abating, and goddamn, are we savoring every stupid morsel. Hannity is pledging to address the “lying New York Times” story today on his radio show. Wonderful.


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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Happier times. Screengrab via YouTube/Bob David