Just take a look at the polls, sheeple.

When my candidate entered the presidential race, nobody believed in them. Their policies are too wacky in some places, they said; too pragmatic and too idealistic. They thought no one would vote for anyone who has spent their whole career advocating for what they’ve believed in, or what the people believe in—or, more troublingly, a tart combination of the two.

Well, they were wrong.

Despite the rumors that my candidate has slept with five of their campaign staffers and has been sleeping while sitting up in the Senate for the past 20 years; in addition to the rumors that my candidate wants to send a colony of sheep to space and let it orbit the Earth until every sheep can speak English without an accent; and finally the rumor that my candidate has been in the pocket of Big Pasta for their entire career—my candidate is actually winning by a margin of 40 to nine, according to a new poll from MTV4/Xanax. That number jumps even higher (to 1,000 to one) when you include the recently hospitalized as well as those who file self-employment taxes in Brooklyn.

Advertisement

Other recent polls mounted by the Institute for American Nightmares found that voters uniformly preferred my candidate to every other candidate, especially in states that have an official state dog and scenarios where my candidate’s VP pick was something we all want in this country, like a white man or Elizabeth Warren or a million dollars.

This huge (but expected) news that my candidate has a clear path to the nomination comes weeks after their opponent accused them of massive tax evasion as well as “sleeping under the bed instead of on top of it”—the latter a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor that resulted in hours of cable news coverage and a harrowing dive in the number of mattress sales.

Advertisement

Not only are these bigoted attacks from my candidate’s opponents casting a corrupt shadow onto our political process, they are also hurting the economy.

Despite the fact that my candidate has yet to win a primary contest (not even in Guam, where my candidate purchased every newspaper and replaced the articles with jokes from an old joke-a-day calendar), they are nonetheless well on their way to cinching the nomination—the nomination of America’s conscience, not the one of brain-ashed delegates who are willing to check any box on any sheet of paper in exchange for an autographed photo of Billy Crystal when he was briefly hot. The illusion of power is not power, per se. And that means that my candidate is the only one who can win in the general election.

Has my candidate been perfect for their entire career? Of course not. Not by a long shot. We all know about that terrible factory fire, and all those orphaned fish. No need to open old wounds by bringing those up again! But at least my candidate has taken responsibility for their actions, instead of blaming it on “media spin” or by playing the carbon-based matter card.

Call me crazy, but I’m not voting with my atoms, or my gender, or my regional affiliation, or even my party. I’m voting with my mind and my heart—and for someone who, unlike all the other candidates, can actually win this election.

Image via Getty